REPENT!!! FOR THE END OF THE UNIX EPOCH IS NIGH!!!
SINNERS!! HEAR ME!! For too long have you lain contented and SLOTHFUL in the illusion that time is infinite! SOON the UNIX EPOCH will END and numbers will OVERFLOW their confines CLEANSING all in a flood the likes we have not seen since 1901!!! The SINS of your 32 BITS will chase your children and your children's children unless you REPENT NOW and cleanse your code of the 2038 BUG!!
Calendaring is hard. Calendaring is very hard. Its also a little crazy. OK, its a lot of crazy. Fortunately there’s a small band of equally crazy people who make it all work so you don’t have to know anything about the crazy.
We’re going to look at some of that crazy, reveal the madness.
We’ll see that computers suck at math.
We’ll discover that there are time zones on Mars.
We’ll look at the 2038 bug, why you care about it now in 2013, why your fancy 64 bit laptop won't save you, and how to protect yourself against it.
We'll examine a solution to the 2038 bug that works on 32 bit machines and is in production right beneath your noses, a 2038 clean reimplementation of time.h!
Schwern has a copy of Perl 6, he lets Larry Wall borrow it and take notes.
Schwern once sneezed into a microphone and the text-to-speech conversion was a regex that turns crap into gold.
Damian Conway and Schwern once had an arm wrestling contest. The superposition still hasn't collapsed.
Schwern was the keynote speaker at the first YAPC::Mars.
When Schwern runs a smoke test, the fire department is notified.
Dan Brown analyzed a JAPH Schwern wrote and discovered it contained the Bible.
Schwern writes Perl code that writes Makefiles that write shell scripts on VMS.
Schwern does not commit to master, master commits to Schwern.
SETI broadcast some of Schwern's Perl code into space. 8 years later they got a reply thanking them for the improved hyper drive plans.
Schwern once accidentally typed "git pull --hard" and dragged Github's server room across the street.
There are no free namespaces on CPAN, there are just modules Schwern has not written yet.
Schwern's tears are said to cure cancer, unfortunately his Perl code gives it right back.